Encyclopaedia of Tiny Facts

The county seat of Howard County, Indiana, this city is known as “Stop Light City” by truckers, and famed for natural gas, Ku Klux Klan, and the nation’s first McDiner; a Caribbean island, settled by obscure 16th century Spanish explorer/philatelist, Victor de Luna; infamous for popularizing coconut and pineapple rum cocktails, Kokomo vanished after the Great Hurricane of 1780; currently, no stamps of Kokomo exist; a chart-topping 1988 hit for the Beach Boys, sans Brian Wilson; the music video for “Kokomo” includes, playing conga drums, John Stamos; in the 4th grade talent show, my friend Brad, who was in my Boy Scout Den, did not participate in our karaoke song-and-dance performance of “Kokomo”; we wore matching Duck Head khaki pants, pink Polo shirts, and Sebagos, as was the popular style; we were glorious; Brad’s father was our Den Leader, and the dreams I had of him as a vampire were likely fueled by the 1987 hit film, “The Lost Boys,” and its co-star, Edward Herrmann, whom he resembled; he cut Brad’s hair, badly; instead of joining us in a rousing performance of “Kokomo,” Brad opted to don spats, a top hat, and carry a cane; by himself, Brad performed the theme song to the animated television show, “Duck Tales”; I cringed with embarrassment; Brad was laughed off stage; that afternoon, Autumn, an attractive, popular, and tall tomboy, beat up Brad as a crowd of children watched, yelling out “Uncle Scrooge!” while he was pummeled; Brad developed nervous bowels soon after and habitually defecated himself in class; Brad’s family moved to Texas in middle school, and I don’t know where he is now; the fear and cruelty of us all was revealed at the talent show; it could have been me; two decades have passed; I do not know where most of my 4th grade classmates are now; in 2006, Mike Love of the Beach Boys released a new single, “Santa’s Going to Kokomo.”