Encyclopaedia of Tiny Facts

An American rock n’ roll duo from New Hope, Pennsylvania, Ween is known for technical virtuosity, wicked jam sessions, and inspiring millions of bong-hits—as well as the consumption of household cleaning products; while Ween does, in fact, jam during live shows, they are not a “jam band”; if you can not find at least one song in Ween’s massive catalogue that you enjoy, then you are humorless, and more importantly, heartless; Ween does not take themselves too seriously, but they are not “funny” like, say, “Weird Al” Yankovic; my favorite Ween songs include “Sarah,” “Tried and True,” “What Deaner Was Talkin’ About,” “Birthday Boy,” “Exactly Where I’m At,” and “I’ll Miss You” (from the soundtrack to the 1996 film, “Beautiful Girls”; this song is my favorite aspect of the film, save for the lovely, slightly discomforting chemistry between Timothy Hutton and the adolescent Natalie Portman; this relationship seems to be a source of endless fascination for young male cineastes as well as middle-aged perverts); yesterday, while standing in line to order a brownie at my neighborhood coffee shop, a sexually ambiguous woman—who resembled Lori Petty of “Tank Girl” fame—pointed at the stereo and said to the bald barista, “Ween”; the Ween song, “Mutilated Lips,” was playing, loudly; the barista was confused and did not reply; the woman smiled and repeated, “Ween”; after a long, uncomfortable moment, the barista said, “Huh?”; the woman, who perhaps felt like a tail being chased by its cat owner, finally explained that she was referring to the song currently playing; the barista sighed, nodded, felt uncool; they parted; while it was a minor incident, both of them will most likely remember it and recount the story to friends and/or loved ones; in their accounts there will be mirth—or mockery—depending on whether the barista or customer is telling the story; the confusion between the barista and the customer was understandable; the customer used “ween” as a noun, and the barista understood the word as a verb; the barista believed he was receiving an order; it would have been a strange order for a coffee shop—less so for a nursery; “ween,” an archaic Chaucerian, Miltonian, and Spenserian term meaning “to think,” is a homophone for “wean,” the sad process of stopping a child’s suckling; I have no recollection of my weaning, though I imagine it was traumatic; my neighborhood coffee shop has delicious cold-press coffee, also known as a “Toddy”—which is quite different than a “Hot Toddy”; the choices of milk at my neighborhood coffee shop include skim milk, whole milk, half-and-half, and, if requested from the barista, soy milk.