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An infectious disease transmitted to humans through primates and rodents, including a minor American outbreak in 2003 caused by domesticated prairie dogs; monkeypox is the cutest sounding pox, followed by cowpox, chickenpox, and smallpox (which actually does not sound that cute); plum pox is wicked, but only a threat if you are a plant; my bout with chickenpox coincided with my early-adolescent discovery of masturbation, and I spent an entire morning and afternoon trying to set a personal record; 11 times is the correct answer; my mother, who was an able and motivated nurse, brought me toast, chicken noodle soup, and glasses of orange juice mixed with ginger ale throughout the day; whenever she left my room, I would masturbate; this was a one-man Olympics, you see; as my mother was stealthy—even with a couple plates in her hands—there were a few near misses; I imagined that day’s endless cycle of masturbation to be somewhat akin to the water—or hydrologic—cycle that is learned in elementary school, but instead of an endless loop of precipitation, infiltration, evaporation, sublimation, and condensation, it was chicken soup/ginger ale-orange juice hydration, imagination, and ejaculation; I felt that in some small way, I was undermining my mother’s efforts to bring me back to health, and this subtly pleased me; by the end of that day, my forearm was sore and the fruits of my efforts were meager, almost depressing; another disease with an adorable name is moon face; I once worked at a movie theater with a girl who developed moon face; believe me, having seen the emotional devastation that moon face wreaked on that dateless ticket-ripper, I can honestly say it is no joke; my heart goes out to the moon-faced children of the world.