MIKE TYSON
A famous American pugilist and rapist; born on June 30, 1966, Mike Tyson became the WBC heavyweight champion at age 20; in recent years, “Kid Dynamite” has been known more for his ridiculous face tattoo; the tattoo is Maori in origin; Tyson is from Brownsville, Brooklyn; Mike Tyson was not always a joke; he was once the most powerful and fear-inspiring man alive; in fact, in 1986, Mike Tyson was a superhero; “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!”—a 1987 video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, which requires players to brawl their way from the pathetic Frenchman, Glass Joe, all the way to a title match with Mr. Dream, AKA Mike Tyson, is the third finest Nintendo game ever made; “The Legend of Zelda” and “Super Mario Brothers” vie for the top two spots; according to popular legend, “Duck Hunt,” a game which came free with a Nintendo Entertainment System, was the favorite video game of Charlton Heston; I knew every lyric to the 1989 song “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson,” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince; my favorite line was “…now how can I say this and be a little discreet/let’s just say that my bowels released”; I had never seen a Mike Tyson fight live on television, so in 1990, when my friend Ethan invited me to his house to watch a Tyson match broadcast from Tokyo, I was ecstatic; we spent the hours leading up the fight attacking Ethan’s punching bag and then sharing a Domino’s pizza; Ethan and I took classes in Kenpo karate together, and while he was larger than me, I was faster; the fight was against a loser with 42 to 1 odds against him; it was to be a massacre; however, James “Buster” Douglas, the rube that Tyson was supposed to decapitate, knocked out Mike Tyson in the 10th round; it was beyond shocking—a revelation akin to meeting the Pope and receiving a gimpy handshake, or examining an obscure DC Comics issue of “Superman” and discovering the outline of a scrawny penis; later, in a studio interview with Larry Merchant, Tyson said, “Buster fought a good fight. I fought a bad fight. We’ll do it again, hopefully”; James “Buster” Douglas lost the title in his next fight, promptly retired, swelled to almost 400 pounds, and nearly died in a diabetic coma; my friend Ethan, who invited me to watch my first—and only—Mike Tyson fight is now in the Special Forces of the United States Marine Corps; he has done a tour in Iraq, and will soon be returning to the Middle East; Mike Tyson now lives in Phoenix and raises pigeons; according to a 2005 article in “USA Today,” these birds are Tyson’s “greatest joy next to his six children.”
I used to love Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out as a kid.
The music is really awesome.