Encyclopaedia of Tiny Facts

A Hawaiian word meaning “foreigner”; this term, which predates Captain James Cook’s 1778 arrival in Hawaii, has also come to refer more generally to Caucasians; another Hawaiian nickname for white people—especially tourists—is “shahkbait”; you don’t want to be called shahkbait; some time ago, I found myself in Maui—with my father; we spent a few days at a hotel called Mama’s Fish House, by the beach in Paia (a laid-back town that’s home to Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson); my dad enjoyed himself in Paia; he ate; “I appreciate any culture that makes Spam a staple,” said my dad; I tried to keep dad from ordering dessert after every meal—pineapple upside down cake, coconut pie, haupia—but in my heart, I knew it wasn’t a battle worth fighting; rather, I knew I couldn’t win; my dad has a big personality—and Type 2 Diabetes; on our last day in Maui, we woke up at dawn to drive the winding Hana Highway; we visited a famous break called “Jaws” and watched local surfers from the safety of the shore along with other oglers; a Rastafarian with a longboard gave us the finger and called us “shahkbait”; road signs were, mostly, missing (supposedly yanked down by locals to discourage adventurous haoles—like us); we stopped at a wayside park called Kaumahina, which had a stunning view—and a prominent sign reading “no soliciting”—but dad and I were more interested in the family of feral cats that comingled with a band of aggressive, wild chickens; I fed the chickens bits of my apple core; dad gave them Hershey’s kisses; the next day, we drove to the airport in Kahului; with an hour to kill, we went to a shopping center with a Borders and a Starbucks; my father and I got into a fight when he ordered an Iced Caffe Mocha and an Old Fashioned; I asked him not to eat so much dessert—at least in front of me; he reminded me that he’s my father, that I can become patronizing and idiotic, and then he proceeded to order a second Old Fashioned; I couldn’t watch; I went to Borders and looked at a picture book about large jungle cats; two hours later, my father and I boarded different flights; on the plane, I kept mentally replaying the incident in Starbucks, and I became upset for being so controlling; my father likes doughnuts, it’s that simple; he’s 63; I should’ve let him eat his Starbucks doughnuts in peace; at one point in Hawaii, the last day of the school year was known as “Kill Haole Day”; Kill Haole Day seems to be a tropical cousin of “Beat Up a White Kid Day,” which coincides with May 1^st—May Day; Beat Up a White Kid Day has been a long-standing tradition in Cleveland public schools; seriously; while I am no supporter of random violence, this seems to be a fascinating inversion of traditional race/power dynamics; in “Maximum City,” Suketu Mehta’s analysis of Hindu-Muslim violence in Mumbai, he writes eloquently about “the powerful wish of minorities all over the world to be the oppressor rather than the oppressed”; for me, this is a troubling, cynical thought; I’d prefer an alternate path, one where—as Will Oldham (aka Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy) sings: “You do what you want/And I will do what I want/I’m now free of master and everyone/servant of all and servant of none”; that being said, I’m not one to speak: my father and I recently had a two-hour-long quarrel about a box of Thin Mints.

~ by tinyfacts on November 5, 2009.

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Tags: Beat Up a White Kid Day, Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, Borders, Captain Cook, Captain James Cook, caucasian, Cleveland, diabetes, Hana, Hana Highway, haole, haupia, Hawaii, Hindu, jaws, Kahului, Kaumahina, Kill Haole Day, Kris Kristofferson, Mama's Fish House, Maui, Maximum City, May Day, mocha, Muslim, old fashioned, Paia, Rastafarian, shahkbait, Starbucks, Suketu Mehta, Super Mario Brothers, The Star Spangled Banner, Thin Mints, Type 2 diabetes, Will Oldham, Willie Nelson